This is the next post in our “Basics of Happiness” series.  This series allows me to explain my take on happiness and what I believe to be useful steps on the journey to happiness as a state of being.  The content in this series is also the foundation of my book-in-progress.

This can be a hard topic to discuss, because it tends get Fred all up in arms. As we get into letting go of relationships, remember to approach the topic with an open and authentic heart. Remember, too, that I’m not telling you to end your relationships, just as I’m not telling you to do anything in any of the other posts. These are my truths, and I merely share them with you. You get to choose what to do — which path to take — in every moment.

So, here it is, all at once, like taking off a Band-Aid: In order to be truly happy as a state of being, you must be willing to let go of relationships that no longer serve you — and especially those that harm you. And I’m not just talking about lovers or significant others. I mean friends and I mean family. I mean any relationship that no longer serves you — and especially those that harm you.

Why?

It’s simple, really. In order to be happy as a state of being, you must be able to live freely, with an open heart, from an authentic place at all times. You must be able to love and care for yourself. You must be able to keep yourself safe and well. For most of us, there are people in our lives that keep us from doing that.

You know the ones. You’ll be going along, happy as can be in your life, then you’ll go visit them or talk to them on the phone and suddenly you feel terrible! You feel guilty and ashamed. You feel drained. You feel stressed. You feel like a failure. You feel angry and hurt. You probably feel a million other negative emotions, too. But it doesn’t end there. It takes a while — maybe a day, maybe a week — to recover from that one interaction, and get yourself back on the right track and feeling good again.

And we try so many things. We try talking to them. We try explaining what happens when we interact with them. We try asking them not to do the things they do that bother us. We try limiting our interactions. But they’re still there. And even if we only interact once every few months, that’s still once every few months more often than we actually need to feel awful!

And so, finally we decide to remove them from our lives. We still love them. We probably welcome them back into our lives when they are in a place that better works with ours. We wish them all the best things in the world. But, for the sake of our growth and joy and happiness, there’s no other choice.

It’s amazing the reactions that come of this. As I stated in the beginning (and you may know first hand), this topic tends to aggravate Fred. And he gets people really worked up about it. This is especially true when you choose to let go of a familial relationship. People — usually other family members — will try to guilt you into thinking you’re making a bad decision. In my experience, the most popular comment is, “Well, you just need to be the bigger person.” To which, after years of stumbling over my guilt, I’ve finally found a reply: “I am being the bigger person; unfortunately, it takes two big people to maintain a healthy adult relationship.” Because when it comes down to it, you are being the bigger person. It takes a really big person to know when it’s time to let go, to the benefit of both parties.

Letting go happens in many ways. If ever you choose to do so, you will find the most compasionate, appropriate way available to you in the moment. When you do, remember that letting go is more than just ending your interactions with that person. It is also destroying their indirect affect on you. For example, when you end a relationship, you may find that the people with whom you have mutual relationships want to tell you everything that person says about you. This is harmful to you and impedes your letting go. Complete letting go means releasing as much connection as possible and, more importantly, releasing your emotional connection to that person to the point that nothing you hear from or about them affects you in the old, negative ways. This is truly key.

It’s never easy to let go of someone you love, but sometimes there are no other options to end the negative patterns within your relationship. It hurts. But it benefits both of you in the long run. And there is always hope that person will reach a place in their own personal development that will allow you to maintain a healthy, joyful connection and establish the loving relationship you’ve always wanted.

Next post: The last bit of letting go.